I am sick and tired of being the Universe's butt monkey. We're losing our cable and internet access this week due to the fact that neither mom nor I have enough money to pay for it. The cable I can deal with, but with no internet access, I'm even more cut off from the world than I normally am. I mean, I can't check my emails, use YouTube or Netflix. I can't even access my DVR. It sucks. I mean, how is this my life now? I was supposed to be working as a librarian by now, and here I am, stuck living at home, barely able to scrape by. I've been living hand to mouth for way too long. I'm 40 years old, dammit! I'm supposed to be living like an adult!
I honestly don't understand why life keeps shitting on me over and over and over again. All I want is a basic, simple kind of life. A home of my own, financial independence, a career I'm happy with, maybe some time to travel and pursue some of my hobbies. Not this perpetual cycle of bullshit.
I'm mostly angry at myself. I mean, if I had a job by now, I could contribute more to the household and maybe we wouldn't be struggling just to find food to eat or trying to pay our bills like normal people. And this whole cycle has done a major number on my mental health. I've had more dips in my mood these past few months than I ever have since being diagnosed with Depression. It might be partially environmental, but I dunno if my brain chemistry has changed or not. I can't go to the doctor's to find out since apparently we're persona non grata amongst our small group of friends and we can't get rides anywhere.
I can see why people who are poor can sometimes think they're being punished. I get that feeling sometimes myself. I don't know what we're being punished for. If this is because I've started drifting away from my faith than I'm not even sure I want to be a part of a faith that advocates punishing their followers in such a way.
So, needless to say, my activities online will be limited for awhile. I still have my phone, but I don't know how much my data plan will support my activities until we can get back online. I'm going to try to do as much as I can today while I still have access.
Some birthday, huh?